9 Things I Learned When Our Son Went to College

Our oldest child went to college this past fall. It was a new adventure for him and a time of reflection for me. "How did we really do?" "What did we really teach him?" "Did we teach him beyond the book work?"

While reflecting on the last 19 years of parenting our son, I discovered there were (at least) 9 things I learned about parenting when he went off to college--9 things I felt we had imparted to him:

1. God does count and He does care -- I've known this all along, but I have to say it here as the #1 thing. They must believe and have their christian beliefs in the forefront of their decision making. Our son used to work for a major retailer. One day a customer came through his line at the cash register and left a 20.00 bill on the counter. The man had paid for his merchandise, but he had been fumbling with things in his pocket before paying and left this bill behind. Our son was faced with being able to quietly and quickly pocket the 20.00. Afterall, who would know? It would be his word against an elderly man--you could argue the man was probably just a "forgetful, old man". Instead, our son turned the money into the Service Desk. An hour later the man came back and asked if the cashier had turned in the 20.00. The man then found the manager, told him the story, and wrote our son a beautiful letter about his honesty. He told our son that if he ever needed a recommendation that this man would gladly speak highly of him. As we told our son, it's most important that you remember God and His commandments. God sees and knows it all. God is there for them in all situations--He loves us, He cares, He's listening, and He's watching. Talk to him through prayer.

2. Teach them that God has a plan--they should take the opportunities before them, use their talents God bestowed upon them, and be joyful. Do not participate in gossip or stir up trouble. Our son started a job with a major conglomerate in a professional office setting. We told him this position was a gift from God--to treat it like so and to treat everyone with respect. Regardless of the office politics, do not gossip. And always show grace.

3. You can't overspend time with them, especially discussing moral issues and imparting christian values on them. You can shelter them from drugs and alcohol while they are still living with you, but don't keep them ignorant. For example, let them know that alcohol poisoning is real. That alcoholism is real. If it runs in your family, let them know this too. It is a disease. We told our son about sex being used as a weapon--that there are women who will use getting pregnant as a way to trap him into marriage. One of my first jobs was as a production manager at a paternity testing company--at that time the largest in the world. Each day we received THOUSANDS of blood samples taken from a mother, child, and alleged father(s). Unwed pregnancy exists, there are females and males who are careless and play around with human life, it's important that our sons and daughters understand that this behavior and attitude exists, and it is dangerous.

4. They need to be interested in something else besides the opposite sex and video games. Get your child involved in one activity-martial arts, dance, basketball, piano, guitar, robotics, debate team, a math olympiad, missions, a servanthood activity--something that gives them purpose, goals, direction. Going to youth group to play video games and flirt is not an activity that is giving them direction and goals, except to decide what outfit to wear to the next meeting or whether they should text the cute girl at youth group, etc.

5. Teach them to budget and save. God is going to provide opportunities for them to earn money, being a good steward of that money is critical. It's not a focus on just getting money and accumulating wealth, it's a focus on using it wisely. That is not sinful.

6. They should know how to bargain shop, cook, clean, and do laundry.

7. It's important to teach them to budget and plan their time. If they are going to college, they should know how to study, take notes, keep a calendar. I will admit, I could have done more to help my son with this. I'm taking steps now to change this for our daughter.

8. Relax, they are going to outgrow some of their behaviors that drive you nuts. Some things are character issues, others are maturity issues. My son loved to drop his socks and empty water bottles everywhere. But one year later he admits, "Oh, I keep my apartment clean. I don't do that there." Sometimes, even the sweetest of children, do things to irritate you. It's a maturity thing. But when it comes to doing the right thing, having the right focus, that's the character stuff.

9. Call them, text them, email them,Facebook them--whatever you need to do to stay in touch. They may be out of the house, but they aren't out of your life. Let THEM know that. You won't have any trouble knowing that, but they might get caught up in the new chapter of their life and get a little wrapped up in the new friends, new activities, new friendships, etc. That's normal to not call as often as you'd like while they adjust, but keep the communication open, they do need someone to talk to. They do need someone to admit to that they're scared about their chemistry grade or they need someone to talk them through being stuck with a broken car in a dangerous part of the city. They will get sick and need to hear a voice from home advising them on how to get well. Text them a simple, "I love you. Have a great day." Keep the communication and love flowing, regardless of the distance.

Sending our children off to their life after high school is scary, rewarding, exciting, bittersweet, and more! It's a time of reflection and review, but never let it be a time of regret. Let it be a time to pray and grow. Just because this child isn't living under your roof everyday, you still have plenty of opportunity to disciple and mentor them.